pissed off - an exhaustively written report by tessa, beowulf, and veggiebacon;;

Hey people! My two friends are here - BEOWULF, a guy who is my best guy friend, and Veggiebacon, but you guys already know her cause of that one vlog she was in. Yeah.

ANYWHO.

We're listing the things that piss us off. Like seriously. The following is based on true events.

1. Anime. Reason? "Their eyes are bigger than their head, their mouths are ridiculously small when closed and ridiculously huge when opened, everybody with an Asian name looks white, and lastly, the girls have breasts the size of watermelons, which just pass the point of being appealing. It's just gross." - BEOWULF

2. Licking your finger before turning the page. Reason? "It's unnecessary and unhygienic. Yep, that's about it." - Veggiebacon

3. Skankabitches. Reason? Read one of the many posts on her. Seriously.

4. People that don't bathe. Reason? "I don't know about you, but I don't like the smell of sour milk mixed with piss and possibly a hint of lemon. See Skankabitch." - BEOWULF

5. Forest-like legs. Reason? "It looks like they're cultivating banzai trees on their legs." - BEOWULF & Veggiebacon

6. People who correct me. Reason? Cause they're full of crap and I know what I'm talking about or doing. Just shut the hell up. Seriously. Nobody needs your advice.

7. Nipple piercings. Reason? "Why the hell would you do that?" - BEOWULF

8. Small, wispy Asian mustaches. Reason? "They're just bothersome." - Veggiebacon

9. People who beg to be asked a dare and when they're told the dare they won't even do it. Reason? Because that's fucking moronic and hypocritical and if they wanted the dare in the first place, they should just do it.

10. When you're about to sneeze, but you can't. Reason? "First of all, it itches your nose. Second of all, you look retarded. Third of all, you blind yourself looking at the nearby source of light." - BEOWULF

11. When you're bleeding and you don't realize it. Reason? "It gets everywhere and it freaks me out." - BEOWULF & Veggiebacon

12. People who claim they suck at singing when they're really good. Reason? It's so annoying, especially when you know that they're just doing it for attention. Plus, it irks me cause they have better voices than me, ugh.

13. When people touch their noses and make you think you have a booger, when you really don't. Reason? "It's freaking annoying. It makes you feel really self-conscious and you want to pick your nose to clear it of any unwanted cliff-hangers." - BEOWULF

14. When people force you to go with them to wherever with them. Reason? "It's annoying and I don't wanna go with them." - Veggiebacon

15. Miley Cyrus. Reason? She has no talent. She poledances on freaking ice cream trucks. She takes pornographic pictures with her dad. She dates 20-year-olds. She can't sing. Did I mention she has no talent?

16. Korean-Christians. Reason? "Being a Korean myself, I find myself pressured and uncomfortable whenever my self-appointed crusading grandmother tries to convert me and asks me what Jesus would do. Why can't they just accept that I don't want to be Christian? Because they're Koreans." - BEOWULF

17. When people gang up against helpless people. Reason? "It's just mean. It's cowardly." - BEOWULF & Veggiebacon

18. Uber-religious people. Reason? I have nothing against religion, being an Atheist Jew and all, but some people go too far. First, in third grade, the first girl I met was a girl named Janet. She frequently asked me, "Do you believe in God?" and I'd reply, "Yeah." Then she'd tell me, "That means you're Christian." And I'd tell her no, and she'd be like, "But you believe in God." She just didn't get it. On the day that she moved, she brought everyone goodbye presents. She gave me a bible. Second, a couple Jehova's Witnesses came to my house a month ago. They read the bible to me, and asked me what I thought and if I would accept their ways. I was polite, but I didn't want to go with their way. Lastly, my English teacher last year would always bring Catholicism up in our topics of discussion. She'd glare at me the whole time.

19. Walmart. Reason? "Why the hell would you want to buy TVs in bulk? It destroys local businesses and the person that greets you at the door is just plain creepy." - BEOWULF

20. People that are cruel to animals. Reason? "I could write an essay on this. In fact, if you want it, I'll email it to you." - Veggiebacon

21. People who pronounce Target as "Tar-jay." Reason? Because it's freaking Tar-get, as in get it right. Nobody thinks you're cool because you want to sound like a fucking French person. It does not make you seem more mature or sophisticated, either.

22. When you wave hi to a friend and he doesn't notice, but he looks when you're awkwardly retracting your hand. Reason? "Because it's awkward." - BEOWULF

23. When you forget what you were talking/thinking about. Reason? Because it seriously sucks and then you stand there awkwardly, and it's not fun, and people just think you're weird. And it gives me a headache.

24. The new Spongebob episodes. Reason? "They're insufferable. Enough said." - BEOWULF

25. 11:11. Reason? It's overdone, overrated, and annoying. It was cute at first, but it just has no freaking point now. I can't even remember to make a wish at 11:11. Really.

26. Star Wars Episode III. Reason? "When Hayden Christiansen is Darth Vader, and Samuel L. Jackson fights an old white guy twice his age, you know the world is pretty fucked up." - BEOWULF

27. People who insult Billy Corgan's singing voice. Reason? I don't insult singers (except Miley & the JoBros), so stop insulting people who I like. It's not funny. He's a good musician, you fags.

28. Scientology. Reason? "Cause we're definitely born from a space federation 3 lightyears away that gathers to discuss the intergalactic fate of the third dimension which is ruled by John Travolta and Tom Cruise's son who was born of a grand session of butt sex that will never be equaled." - BEOWULF

29. People who eat my food and think it's totally acceptable. Reason? Because it's my food. I don't eat their food, do I? If I offer it, it's fine, but don't go eating my freaking waffles. Those are made of Godliness, goddamnit.

30. When you yawn and you're blinded by the tears coming out of your eyes. Reason? "You have no idea what's going on and you may possibly lose a contact." - BEOWULF

31. When your foot falls asleep. Reason? "It's an unpleasant, tingling sensation." - Veggiebacon

32. People who discover songs that have been out for years, just because it's finally on the Top 20. Reason? Holy fucking shit. You seriously think you discovered this song? And maybe Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and Mr. Planter play poker every Friday night. (me with help from BEOWULF)

33. When middle-aged women think it's socially acceptable to go to clubs by themselves. Reason? "Do you really think guys like to see your arm-fat flying sweatily through the air? If you people do, then you have no idea what men find appealing." - BEOWULF
Commentary by Tessa: lol, and they wear miniskirts and it's soooo wrong.

34. When people click their pens in class. Reason? "It's...I don't know. Retarded."
Commentary by BEOWULF: You were doing that today!

35. When your banana does not look bruised on the outside, but you are disappointed to find out your banana was covered in black spots. Reason? "There's a reason I look for the one without any spots on it. That's my reason." - BEOWULF

36. Twelve-year-olds that take unflattering, bikinis-only pics, as if to look "mature." Reason? It makes them look immature and like sluts. Nobody likes that (except maybe Skankabitch).
Commentary by BEOWULF: Do you really think that guys find flat, prepubescent girls sexy? No, we don't.

37. Two-faced people. Reason? "Pick a side, poop." - Veggiebacon

38. When you take a shit and just realize that you don't have any toilet paper, so you spend the next 30 minutes screaming at your mom to get a new roll cause you don't wanna get shit everywhere. Reason? "Cause my voice gets hoarse. I actually don't mind the sitting part; that's actually quite relaxing." - BEOWULF
Commentary by Veggiebacon: Ew...

39. When you tell a friend who you like and they decide to "help" you by flirting with the guy. Reason? Um, I told you because I liked him, didn't I? Not so you could make him your little follower.
Commentary by Veggiebacon & BEOWULF (in unison): Skankabitch.

40. When people call me mean when I'm being honest. Reason? "Because I'm right, and you're wrong, and you know it. Don't even try to cover it." - BEOWULF
Commentary by Veggiebacon: Sorry.

41. When you're playing a video game and the person next to you says they could do better, but they really suck. Reason? "Self-explanatory." - everybody

42. Kidz Bop. Reason? Because they take songs that you can't imagine getting any worse, but they can pull it off. They also cover explicit songs with the words "hug."

43. When people replace a bad word by saying "beep." Reason? "If you're gonna say something, say it."
Commentary by Veggiebacon: Teehee.

44. When you're writing something, and someone bumps into you, and it destroys your masterpiece. Reason? "I just spent 12 bleeping hours on that thing. Thanks." - Veggiebacon
Commentary by BEOWULF: GODDAMNIT WHAT DID I JUST SAY?

45. When people say they're pro at guitar but they can't strum for shit. Reason? Because strumming is oh so important to playing guitar, and if you can't do that, you're seriously screwed. Seriously.

46. When hot chicks have a gap in their teeth. Reason? "Cause they're not hot anymore! Plain and simple." - BEOWULF

47. When your friends' parents get Facebooks, add you, and expect you to have long conversations with them. Reason? It's not normal. Parents need to do parent things, like golf and shop for groceries. I don't want them to comment on my "WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU?!" quiz results.

48. When you take a ghost shit. Reason? "Cause you swore something fell out your ass, but when you look in the toilet, nothing is there. It's frickin creepy." - BEOWULF

49. When parents change the subject when their wrong. Reason? "Whenever you're right, you rub it in. Whenever I'm right, it never happened." - BEOWULF

50. School lunches. Reason? "They taste like salted garbage with the consistency of cardboard." - BEOWULF. They give me a vomit-y feeling in my stomach. "They aren't legally edible." - Veggiebacon "If you can digest that shit, then you need to get yourself checked." - BEOWULF