i'm such a cliched little senior.

Be prepared for the longest post in the fucking world to make up for the lack of posts this year. I'm sorry about that, guys. I mean, if there's anyone still reading this...

Once upon a time I was with a boy named Austin. We were together for four months, broke up for four months, then got back together for three months. After the second relationship, my friends helped me realize that I needed to move on past him.

This summer, my friend Bailey came to visit from Washington. He was staying with my friend Jesse (because they were family friends). I finally accepted Jesse's invite to hang out that summer so that I could see Bailey, as I hadn't seen him in a year. Also in that crowd were some people who I'm now good friends with: Danny, Tabari, and this guy Ryan. What started out as a day to hang out with good ole Bailey turned into a flirtfest with Ryan. That day-long flirtfest turned into a week-long text fest into our first kiss together the following weekend.

Now, I know what you're thinking. "This guy seems like a rebound from Austin." That's complete bullshit, because I really liked Ryan. I really like Ryan. Actually, I love him. And he actually loves me. Not the "Love you" bullshit Austin fed me - he didn't mean it, but he knew I wanted him to say it. If you're honestly wondering how I know it's real, keep reading.

So, though Ryan was roughly my age, he was already going into his freshman year of college. That didn't really hit me this summer, because I was thinking that by then we'd grow tired of each other and move on.

That didn't exactly happen. At all.

He's been in college for almost a month now, and we've kept in touch by texting, calling, and talking on facebook chat. It's been rough and sometimes it hurts that he can't really be here, but I've grown used to it.

Before you keep reading, please keep in mind that I'm seventeen, going on eighteen in three months, and that I should be able to make my own choices.

I visited him yesterday at his school. We were going to kiss, cuddle, and play ping pong in the rec center near his dorm hall thing (look at my awesome college-speak!). Instead, the kisses turned to making out turned to -

Okay, I know I said before that I wasn't planning on - ahem - doing it in high school, but it kinda just...happened. We had never discussed it before. I guess it was the heat of the moment paired with the fact that we hadn't seen each other in weeks and there was - to put it sweetly - a huge amount of sexual frustration building up in both of us.

We used protection. Doesn't mean I'm not still paranoid. I'll always be paranoid as fuck.

I don't really want to go into detail, cause that's just weird, so I'll just say this: it does hurt at first. So, uhm, anyone planning to take that route in life, just suck up the pain I guess. Yeah.

Blargh. It still hasn't hit me that I...well...swiped my v-card. The only that has hit me is that I did it with a college guy, as cliched as that is.

Please just...don't judge me.