i dropped a quarter in the well of life;;

I told BEOWULF to make a deep title, so he said that. Wow. I don't know. So strange. Yep. He's back. It's our tradition. He, Veggiebacon, and I hang out on Fridays. Except Veggiebacon's late today cause of...something. Wuddebber.

Today we're going to post advice. For when you like people and flirting and dating and the stuff you get into as you turn 15/16.

The advice for girls is by BEOWULF, and the advice for guys is by me :)

FLIRTING

If you're a girl: "Do not, under any circumstances, be a ho." What BEOWULF means by that is that you shouldn't go straight into throwing yourself at a guy. Don't force the flirting; it should come naturally. Like talking, and stuff like that. But you'll know it's different, you know?
Commentary by BEOWULF: And if you really must throw yourselves at us, for God's sake, take a shower at least...at least...every three months, okay? Don't be like, 'Oh my god, I just straightened my hair, I don't wanna wash it. Nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh.' Do you really think we like straightened hair better than nice scent? Hmm? Huh? I bet you didn't think so, punk! For God's sake! Oh, and wear deodorant. Nothing reeks more than a bunch of sweaty pits.

If you're a guy: Smile and try to make the girl laugh. Or even compliment her. But don't shower the compliments, or it'll seem kinda forced. Don't try to be like, "I'm _______ and I'm a badass mothafuckah!" AKA, don't force a cool attitude onto yourself and try to come up with witty remarks. You'll look like a dick.

HUGGING

If you're a girl: Make sure to always hug around the neck. Guys like that. Wear some sort of - not exactly sexual, but a vaguely sensual/clean/good-smelling - perfume or soap (you know, wash yourself? Der. Everyday would be nice). If you're a lot shorter, and you really wanna turn on the charm, instead of going for the neck, go for the chest and rest your head on his pecs. He'll think it's really cute. He might get horny though, so watch out.

If you're a guy: Wrap your arms around the girl's waist. Don't be too tight or feel her up, cause that would be odd. If you go too high on the wraparound, you may give off, "I just want to be friends" vibes. If you to too low, you'll give off, "I wanna grab some ass" vibes. Stick with a nice spot in between. If you're courageous (and your biceps can handle it) either twirl the girl, pick her up, or sway. Rest your chin on her shoulder, too (by leaning down, der).
Commentary by BEOWULF: But I like grabbing ass! :'(

HOW TO ASK OUT ON DATES

If you're a girl: I thought boys asked girls on dates, not the other way around. Just be patient and wait. And if he really doesn't get the message after a while, then drop it. Or, he just didn't like you in the first place. Just don't be so full of crap that you think everybody likes you (in that way).

If you're a guy: Do not, under any circumstance, ask the girl out over text, phone call, IM, or facebook message. It should be in person. Make it seem natural, because then it won't make the girl think you're just joking. You want to make it seem sweet at the same time, so look the girl in the eyes and say it to her simply. Talk about some sort of movie, and then if the girl says she wants to see it too, ask her if she'd want to see it this weekend. And if she asks if it's a date, then don't be intimidated. Say yes. You know it's a date, retard. That's why you're asking her.

HOLDING HANDS

If you're a girl: Make sure your nails are nice and maintained, because nothing hurts more than being scratched by frigging cat woman. Also, make sure that your hands are not clammy. Men do not enjoy cold...wet...damp...you get the picture hands. Lastly, wash your goddamn hands. I don't wanna see no shit between your nails, k?

If you're a guy: Don't be too fast to grab the hand. Don't wait for them to acknowledge you by saying, "Let's hold hands!" because that's stupid. Either wait for the girl to brush her hand by yours a few times (if she likes you back, I mean) or do so yourself. Then, very gently and slowly, scoop her hand in yours. Don't snatch the hand. Also, don't intertwine fingers. Either have a loose hand hold, one that says, "I like you, but I understand you may feel uncomfortable and/or want space" or grab the girl loosely by a few fingers. Be loose and friendly about it. You guys like each other. You're not sentenced to hand-holding. You do it because you want to, so make it feel like it.

HAIR

If you're a girl: First of all - how do I put this - all right, I'll make this easier for you people. I will list the importance of hair traits as following:

1) The most important part: Cleanliness. I don't care who you are, but if you have enough grease in your hair to make a batch of french fries, it's like...it's like...it like gives guys an anti-erection. The thing goes back inside our bodies, cause we're so turned off by that nasty crap. Okay, sure, it may look clean, but does it smell like it? I know I've been over this hundreds of thousands of times, but that is because I can't stress enough how important it is to have nice-smelling hair. Good-smelling hair is a major turn on. However, bad-smelling hair is like sending Jack the Ripper to reek havoc among your nose community.

2) Styles. Here's the general guide-line you should follow: Straighter the hair, higher the sex appeal. Wavy = elegance. Curly = playful. Mix and match to find your man's favorite hair. Personally, I like mostly straight with maybe a little of the other two mixed in. Just a little, though. Oh, last thing. Don't do some crazy ass, what-the-hell-are-you-doing hairstyle. You can be unique without being insane. Just kidding. One more last thing. Hippie hairbands are a no-no. Guys do not really think you're unique or cool if you wear one.
Commentary by me: ...Damn.

If you're a guy: BEOWULF here has the most perfect male hair ever, which racks jealousy in all the other guys cause us girls fawn over it so much. His hair is clean, and not too long or short. Style doesn't exactly matter, as long as it fits the person. Just keep it clean. And don't get extremely long hair, cause that's kinda odd (unless the girl you like likes that sort of thing).
Commentary by BEOWULF: Didn't you guys make a church about it? Crazy bitches.

WHERE TO GO ON DATES

BEOWULF: Most people think movies are good, but personally, as a guy, I want to find out about the girl I wanna date. So, maybe a casual dinner. Nothing too fancy. And go down to a Starbucks and sit there for hours and just...just find out about your girl. Knowing your significant other is muy importante in a relationship. I don't wanna find out that you have gonorrhea halfway through the relationship. And if you're looking for a lasting relationship, don't try anything too bold on the first date. That includes making out, feeling her up, sniffing her, or any other unwanted things that may be classified as sexual harassment. Just think of it as if you were in the girl's shoes.

Me: If you do happen to go to a movie, be sure to hang out earlier before the movie itself. Or else it'll be very, very awkward. Try going to a casual dinner, like BEOWULF said, or getting ice cream and just talking and hanging out. Or, if you're looking for something more fun to do, try going to a fair (um, if there are any around) and just spending some fun time together :) Picnics are nice too. Just don't go for a generic date, you know?

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE (BODY)

If you're a girl: I could sit here and tell you that you could meet a boy no matter how you look and that you're beautiful inside, but I'm not. I'm gonna keep it real with you guys. We do not like chunky women (unless you're a chubby chaser - freak). I'm not asking for a Christie Brinkly body, okay? Just keep fit, and keep the fat off. Do sports or dance. I personally don't like pale-ass bitches. It's like when you're about to do it, and she takes her clothes off, you get blinded by the light just radiating off their skin. So at least try to get some sort of color on your skin (only if you're albino, though). Um, as far as actual muscles are concerned, here's the dealio: abs are good as long as they aren't like BAM. Like, in your face abs. But a faint outline is sexy. Toned legs and thighs are good, but be careful, or else you'll end up with monster thighs. Like Chun-Li from Street Fighter. Oh, guys - hehehe - enjoy cleavage lines. We really do. So, if you don't have much going on up there, just wear super duper uber pushup. Like Skankabitch (but it doesn't seem to work for her. Nasty mosquito-bite boobs).

If you're a boy: As much as you think we're totally into uber buff guys, we're not. Well, some girls are. But it's really just frightening to see an extremely muscular guy blunder towards you. Abs are nice (especially if you have like a full-blown six pack). You want to go for a toned look. It's nicer to have a skinny guy with some muscle, cause it looks all that much yummier :) Girls usually look for the toned arms and legs (like soccer legs, lol), not all the creepy muscles-on-muscles-on-muscles thing. It's pretty basic, really. Just keep fit, and challenge yourself into toning more than size.

MOVES YOU MAKE ON DATES

If you're a girl: Guys, as a general rule, don't really mind when you guys act all crazy-flirty/all get-in-your-pants-like. Worst case scenario is that we think you're shallow and what not. But we'll still think you're hot. Bottom line is, if you want a lasting, long, deep, intimate relationship, then don't do anything too slutty. Just smile at what he says and laugh at his jokes (it boosts his self-esteem), but don't overdo it. Uhh...that's about it!

If you're a guy: It's totally different. If you act like you want to get in the girl's pants/like a horndog, you are automatically on the list of guys-not-to-date-under-any-circumstances. If you're sitting or in a movie theater, the arm thing is fine, but don't be all dorky about it (yawns, something on shoulder, really big fish). Do it with a gentle confidence. Don't wrap your arm around the girl while standing. It's kinda awkward feeling. Yeah. No kisses on first dates - maybe a kiss on the cheek, but nothing more. You're testing each other out, not choosing your life mate right away.

POST-DATE FRIEND-RELATIONS (WHAT YOU TELL YOUR FRIENDS WHAT HAPPENED AT THE DATE)

(Written by Tessa, just this once) If you're a girl: It's obvious. Tell them what happened, but don't say every detail and have them telling everyone. If there's something you really want to keep secret, don't try implying it. Keep it to yourself. Remember, you don't kiss and tell ;)

(Written by BEOWULF, just this once) If you're a guy: Most guys have that one, super duber uber, loves-him-like-a-brother friend. To him, unless you know that he can't keep his mouth shut or that he's a bitch, you can tell him just about anything. Don't make anything up, though. And besides him, don't tell anyone else what happened. This excludes really, really close, super uber, loves-her-like-a-sister girl friends. They're cool too.