and now for a break in the longest hiatus.

So I switched my major from Computer Science to Journalism, because, if it's not obvious by the sheer amount of posts on this blog, I like to write. Sure, I'm best at narrative, but current events usually pique my interest.

I did go through and read my old posts.

I was really embarrassing.

I'll probably say the same thing about myself in the next five years.

So...I think I might start posting on here from time to time again, as part of my New Year's Resolution of actually getting back into writing. I'm also going to be journaling and reading a lot, but I miss being able to express myself on here. I also have a tumblr, and it's just kind of a different style of blogging.

I think...I'll start officially posting on my 20th birthday. So, uh, see you guys in a little under a week.

So I've been in college for exactly a month. Woo.

Update

I felt like I owed you guys (whoever you are - I'm not even sure who still reads this at this point, cause I sure as hell don't) some sort of update on my life thus far. Let's get the basics straightened out:

I was rejected from Brown University. I know, I know - applying to Ivies is a longshot for everyone (except for my friend Zander, who's going to Harvard after being accepted to Yale and Cornell as well), but part of me thought I had the chance. I was interviewed by an alumnus back in January, and he gave me the whole spiel about how I was "certainly Brown material," though it didn't do much to affect my overall application. I cried when I was denied, though I'm completely happy and excited to be going to Northeastern University in the fall. That's right, Freshly Squeezed is taking over Boston. I do hope to apply to Brown for graduate school later on, though, as I really do want to experience part of my education in Rhode Island.

Both of my grandfathers died this past. My mother's father died back in December; his passing shocked us all. My father's father died a few weeks ago, something we had all expected for about a year. It's hard to lose a family member, and especially so if you lose two within a short range of each other. Part of my reasoning for choosing Northeastern was because of something my grandpa (dad's side) would say every time I visited him in Connecticut: "Tess is an east coast girl; she's going to school in Boston." Granted, I had been accepted to Boston University as well, but the family ties I had to Northeastern were what led to my decision. For those applying to college this fall, Boston University is just as great an institution as Northeastern, and I wish you all the luck in the world when applying.

I've been in a relationship with a boy named Ryan for about a year now. He's sweet. He's an English major, and his love of writing reminds me of my past desires to be a writer as well. He wants to be an English teacher and write poetry. I wish I could have the same drive to pursue something out of my own passion, rather than out of the ideology that getting a good job would lead to having a better life. I wish I had his heart.

Anyway, I fly to the east coast in less than three weeks. I still haven't packed up my life yet, and I'm terrified to do so.

Love,
Tessa

So I found this list that I made when I was sixteen... Let's see if I accomplished anything.

To-do List While I'm 17:

- Get my permit and license before my dad gives Isaak the BMW. ✓ (Got my permit and the BMW)
- Buy red converse.
- Make a new band (which is under way - apparently I'm lead vocals and rhythm guitar).
- Hang out with all of my old friends and my new friends. ✓
- Figure out the confusion with Austin. ✓ (We got back together, then broke up. But he wants me back again...-__-)
- Finally, finally meet up with Jackie and Lindsey. They live the closest, anyway.
- Get straight As (or Bs at least) and a score higher than a 1910 on the SAT. ✓ (for half of that, anyway. I got a 2020.)
- Work a ton of shows/act in a ton of shows. ✓
- Film new Amasian Productions episodes with Jeff and Darien.
- Stop being so angry. ✓
- Buy a new hoodie. ✓ (It was a child's extra large)

The advantages of writing a blog (or a diary).

When I started this blog, I had no intentions of it being read by anyone other than Jackie (who I haven't talked to in a year and who I miss...a lot). However, the vast build-up of readers is what caused me to continue posting on it. I don't mean that in a snooty way, because I'm pretty sure that none of you really find my life to be all that interesting. I mean, if I posted about daily life like I did in the past, you'd all find it to be very blah.

My day typically looks like this:
7-7:45 AM ~ Wake up, shower, get dressed, brush teeth, eat, pack backpack.
7:50-7:55 AM ~ Walk to school.
8 AM-2:50 PM ~ Do the school thing.
3-6 PM ~ Have rehearsal.
6-7 PM ~ Eat.
7:15-9 PM ~ Facebook, tumblr, vegging out.
9-11 PM ~ Homework.
11:05 PM ~ Sleep.

Except, of course, my schedule may vary time wise. But it shows how boring I am.

On the contrary, the big things I've posted about have made my life seem that much more interesting. Writing down the fragments of my life has assisted my memory and given me ideas to think about as far as writing personal statements for college applications went. <- [hint hint: advantage]

The disadvantages? I get to remember the worst moments of my life. But, seeing as they happened four years ago, they're now hilarious memories of my embarrassing past.

I'm eighteen years old. The maturity of that age hasn't hit me (not that it ever will), but if you look through my blog, maybe you'll be able to tell that I've grown up little by little.

How adults celebrate their birthdays...apparently.

I'm turning 18 tomorrow, and it's my last birthday that I'll be celebrating at home, as most colleges will be starting up their second quarter on my birthday next year. How will I be celebrating?

Well, for starters, I'm hosting a fair with all proceeds going towards both the Debbie Chisholm Memorial Foundation and the Pediatric Cancer Research Foundation. Then, I'll be doing nothing.

Why, you may ask?

Because my "best friend" Skankabitch is ditching me - on my eighteenth fucking birthday - for someone else's party. We've been best friends for six years. She's known this guy for, what, ten months now? It honestly does not add up.

But I mean, whatever. According to my mom, birthdays are now just filled with hopeless disappointments.

On the plus side, I've been accepted into Northeastern University for Computer Science and Game Design, and I had an interview for Brown University on Thursday (which, if you've been following my blog since its humble beginnings, you'd know is my dream school) which went amazingly well.

i'm such a cliched little senior.

Be prepared for the longest post in the fucking world to make up for the lack of posts this year. I'm sorry about that, guys. I mean, if there's anyone still reading this...

Once upon a time I was with a boy named Austin. We were together for four months, broke up for four months, then got back together for three months. After the second relationship, my friends helped me realize that I needed to move on past him.

This summer, my friend Bailey came to visit from Washington. He was staying with my friend Jesse (because they were family friends). I finally accepted Jesse's invite to hang out that summer so that I could see Bailey, as I hadn't seen him in a year. Also in that crowd were some people who I'm now good friends with: Danny, Tabari, and this guy Ryan. What started out as a day to hang out with good ole Bailey turned into a flirtfest with Ryan. That day-long flirtfest turned into a week-long text fest into our first kiss together the following weekend.

Now, I know what you're thinking. "This guy seems like a rebound from Austin." That's complete bullshit, because I really liked Ryan. I really like Ryan. Actually, I love him. And he actually loves me. Not the "Love you" bullshit Austin fed me - he didn't mean it, but he knew I wanted him to say it. If you're honestly wondering how I know it's real, keep reading.

So, though Ryan was roughly my age, he was already going into his freshman year of college. That didn't really hit me this summer, because I was thinking that by then we'd grow tired of each other and move on.

That didn't exactly happen. At all.

He's been in college for almost a month now, and we've kept in touch by texting, calling, and talking on facebook chat. It's been rough and sometimes it hurts that he can't really be here, but I've grown used to it.

Before you keep reading, please keep in mind that I'm seventeen, going on eighteen in three months, and that I should be able to make my own choices.

I visited him yesterday at his school. We were going to kiss, cuddle, and play ping pong in the rec center near his dorm hall thing (look at my awesome college-speak!). Instead, the kisses turned to making out turned to -

Okay, I know I said before that I wasn't planning on - ahem - doing it in high school, but it kinda just...happened. We had never discussed it before. I guess it was the heat of the moment paired with the fact that we hadn't seen each other in weeks and there was - to put it sweetly - a huge amount of sexual frustration building up in both of us.

We used protection. Doesn't mean I'm not still paranoid. I'll always be paranoid as fuck.

I don't really want to go into detail, cause that's just weird, so I'll just say this: it does hurt at first. So, uhm, anyone planning to take that route in life, just suck up the pain I guess. Yeah.

Blargh. It still hasn't hit me that I...well...swiped my v-card. The only that has hit me is that I did it with a college guy, as cliched as that is.

Please just...don't judge me.

is my blog hard to find?

If you found it, here it is Ryan. Ta-freaking-da.

If not, SUCKS. HA. This is a waste of a post.

I need to update...Jackie, where'd you go? :(

oh dear god.

Fucking skankabitch. She followed me on tumblr so I can't rant there.

"I don't get what that triangle thing in Harry Potter is but it looks cool so I'm gonna get a tattoo of it when I turn 18."

It's the fucking symbol of the Deathly Hallows. You told me you'd read the book. And stop acting like you're obsessed with Harry Potter when you didn't even know that Dobby died until you saw the movie.

[After reading the list of deaths in Deathly Hallows] "Why did everyone die on my birthday?"

Cause the Battle of Hogwarts took place in May and ended May 2nd. Read. The. Books.

Her reason for not reading them? "I don't like reading. It's pointless." SO IS YOUR FACE.

oi vey, beach day

I went to the beach yesterday, and due to my inability to properly apply sunscreen to myself, I got the weirdest burns ever. There's one on my left elbow, one all over my chest and neck (hooray for forgetfulness), some one my shoulders, a spot on the back of my left leg, and a blotch on my back.

Thankfully they'll turn to tan sooner or later.

this is basically my life this summer.

Wake up at 8.
Pray to god at least one of my friends is on Skype. or Talk to my friend Chris on Skype.
Eat breakfast. or Eat breakfast with Chris.
Sit in my room until 4. or Hang out with Chris til 4.
Read/play The Sims 3.
Eat.
Sleep.

I'm just so exciting.

Austin.

Stop trying to understand it. It's an inside joke between Jackie and I.

Shoo. :P

ahem.

If you didn't jump to this conclusion before, Austin and I kinda got back together.

I don't remember if he reads this or not, but he's started to apologize and take the blame for his actions more. And I'm being more observant.

And Jackie, for the record, he wears glasses. I'm not certain we'll be on and off a million times over, and he wasn't a soccer player or anything, but he's got the glasses and he's kinda a perv sometimes.

If you catch my drift, I mean.

so i just read some of my posts from freshman year.

Dear god, I even sounded hyper.

Punch my old self in the face, please.

disrespectful whores.

It's funny, isn't it, how life goes on when you think it's the end of the world. And part of you knows it's not, but you want things to slow down just a smidgen so you can appreciate them before they're gone.

It's also funny (well, not really funny) how rude people can be, and how insensitive their ideas can be. Right after Mardy died, this girl in my math class told me to "just get a new dog" and get over it.

How about no? Mardy was the coolest dog ever. Replacing him would be horrible and completely impossible. Why don't you get a new life?

And then, when my friend Anthony's grandfather died, two girls crashed the funeral just to take pictures with his sister and stalk Anthony, my best friend Andrew, and Andrew's brother Connor. While the three boys were paying their respects to Anthony's grandfather, the three girls were laughing.

You just don't do that at a funeral.

Better yet, you don't talk about how "fun" the funeral was over facebook. Honestly now.

no more dead dogs.

Yesterday, my puppy - my baby - Mardy lost his life.

He was playing outside while they were having baseball games across the street. And I guess he was really excited by all of the passing people, so he started towards someone just as a car came speeding by. He was hit directly on the side of his head, so he didn't suffer.

I was walking home from my friend Nicole's house and I saw him lying there. He was surrounded by a crowd of people - some neighbors who I knew. He was lying on his side, and there was a trail of blood. I immediately fell to my knees, crying, and stroking his side.

And my mom and Beni keep blaming themselves, because they wish they'd run after him faster. They wished they could have stopped him before his untimely death. But we can't blame ourselves for what happened. We just need to move forward.

It's just so hard to process his being gone.

He was really young, just about to turn 3. He was still trying to eat everything, and pooing inside, and trying to figure out where the barking noises from dogs on TV were coming from.

And the thing is, I live next to a stop sign, so the guy who hit him had to not only be speeding a lot, but also not paying attention to the road. And he sat there and apologized, but you can't apologize for killing someone's dog.

That won't reverse anything.

The neighbors helped us scoop him up and put him in our car. I sat in the back with him, stroking him and telling him he'd be okay while tears rolled down my cheeks. My mom was on the phone with every vet in the surrounding area, but only the Petsmart Hospital was open.

My mom would ask me for updates on him. At first, it was easy. He'd look up whenever someone called his name. He would take water. After a while, he began twitching, and he stopped accepting the water.

At around 5:52 PM, I felt my dog stop breathing. I refused to accept his death, though, as we arrived at the hospital two minutes later.

The doctors ushered him inside slowly - my mom complained about their speed and told them to hurry - and a nurse led us a room, saying a doctor would be sent in to talk to us. A few minutes later, a doctor walked in to tell us he was gone.

I was in hysterics for hours, but my tears eventually slowed when Austin showed up. I woke up three times last night, wanting to hold my puppy. I can't cry anymore, but I still just want my puppy back.

RIP Mardy Pierre
May 14, 2008 - March 5, 2011

I will always love you, and I'll never forget you. ♥

ski week.

I haven't posted very much so as to spare everyone from me whining over the not-having-a-boyfriend thing, something that I should be used to after years of it. But because I'm past that now, and can actually say that I'm over him (I still care about him, but that's a given), I've decided to rejoin the living and post on here once more.

It's the start of ski week. Or, if you're a faculty member in my school district, it's furlough week. Otherwise known as the week that they do not get paid. So, to make up for our lack of a week's worth of education, my teachers piled on test after test during the past week. It was horrifying, and it began with a Precalc Honors test on Monday. Remember the days when teachers could only give tests on Fridays or something? I miss those days. Things were so much simpler then.

Why was I in a rush to grow up? I mean, I still am. I can't wait til college, even if I do have another year of high school after this one is up. But with college comes the promise of freedom and rebirth (so to speak), and I just want to get out of this hell hole and dive into Brown University's computer science department.

I'm not entirely sure why I'm faffing around like this at 12:17 AM on a Sunday. After all, I could be writing an essay on Malcom X's approach for civil rights versus Martin Luther King's. I could also be doing SAT prep, or driver's ed, or my Certificate of Merit practice test. Cause, you know, those things are just so fun.

I need to stop lending people my favorite books. I really, really, really wish I could be reading Serafina67 *urgently requires life* right now, but noooo, I had to lend it to my friend last summer. Yes, she's incapable of reading a book after seven months.

I'm not bitter, but I've seen better days.

Tonight I found out why guys automatically shuffle me into the Just Friends folder. I'm kind and I keep secrets and I find boyish things enjoyable, and maybe those are pseudo-typical traits but they work out for me. Only I wish I didn't have those traits. My friends who are flirty and girly get the guys so much easier.

Except the guy I like right now is so...different. He never seems interested in anyone, and he doesn't seem keen on any form of intimacy. But my best friend has noticed that he gets rather shy around me, which could point to some type of crush on me. Hopefully. :)

And I'm not gonna sit back and hope he just likes me. I've tried different tactics: asking him to formal (he said yes but was evidently unable to go, due to the fact that it was his mom's birthday and they were having a family dinner; apparently he was really upset that he had to tell me this, and would have rather not gone to the dinner), asking him to hang out (he had a tournament the same day; he tried to make up for it by saying that he, himself, does not plan the tournaments), and flirting with him and talking to him at the given chances.

I'm not letting him get away >:)

updates.

1) I'm back in braces to prepare for surgery.

2) I went to Winter Formal and it was actually really fun, despite the fact that my date - who I ASKED, rather than the other way around - was unable to go.

3) PANIC! AT THE DISCO HAS A NEW SINGLE OUT AND IT'S BEAUTIFUL AND I HAD THE LEAKED VERSION AND I KNOW ALL THE LYRICS AND I WANT TO CRY AND I CAN'T WAIT TIL MARCH 29TH.

my birthday is tomorrow.

This is my last post that I'll be sixteen. Oh hot damn.

To-do List While I'm 17:

• Get my permit and license before my dad gives Isaak the BMW.
• Buy red converse.
• Make a new band (which is under way - apparently I'm lead vocals and rhythm guitar).
• Hang out with all of my old friends and my new friends.
• Figure out the confusion with Austin.
• Finally, finally meet up with Jackie and Lindsey. They live the closest, anyway.
• Get straight As (or Bs at least) and a score higher than a 1910 on the SAT.
• Work a ton of shows/act in a ton of shows.
• Film new Amasian Productions episodes with Jeff and Darien.
• Stop being so angry.
• Buy a new hoodie.
  

two thousand-eleven.

So, I suppose I'm just starting off the new year in a crappy fashion. First thing I did was play Taboo while drinking apple cider and eating chocolate cake. I had a huge headache, and my mom and I went home early. I only lasted til about 1 AM (had to factor in the drive home and showering and stuff, you know).

The first thing I notice about 2011? I'm on my period, I have a headache, and I have to do a shit ton of homework by Monday. Who gives a fuck if my birthday is on Friday? This year does not seem all that great.

And once again I started a year single. However, in true Tessa fashion, I'm single and confused about my ex who is just as confused about me. I have some serious issues, don't I? Like, seriously. I just am so great at picking these guys, right?

And it doesn't help that my best guy friend is calling him a douche bag, when in reality my best guy friend has been a douche bag in return. They're both good people. Just because one guy dumped me doesn't mean he's a douche bag. Just because the other guy is trying to protect me from more pain by insulting other guys for me doesn't mean he's a douche bag...sorta.

Side note: It was kinda good that we broke up, seeing as we weren't able to talk to each other and it was slightly going astray due to lack of time together. And then after about two months of not really being able to talk, we were able to talk again and make each other laugh and smile again. And apparently he misses all that and me.

I feel like my blog is steadily getting less interesting seeing as I barely post anything, but whatever. It's my blog. I can post whatever the fuck I want, boring or interesting.